Between shame, the weight of religion, society’s judgment, and the dominance of digital technology, how has sexuality gradually withdrawn into itself?
Religious Education
When the ghosts of chastity prevent us from living freely in adulthood
Religion or monotheistic religions consider heterosexual sexuality (the only valid and acceptable one, because if you are gay or bi, beware of divine wrath!) through the prism of reproduction. If there is pleasure, desire, or joy, if there is orgasm and ejaculation, it is only for the purpose of species reproduction: "And God said to them: Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it." (Gen 1:28)
From the moment the sexual act is not intended to produce a being of flesh and blood within nine months, pleasure is condemnable and reprehensible according to religious laws. Contraception is forbidden, and households that follow these directives often consist of large families with no fewer than seven children, regardless of religion. #orthodoxjews
"Well, if that's the life they want to have, good for them! It doesn’t concern me!"
Not so fast! Do you know many people around you who grew up without any connection to a religion, no matter which one? Have you grown up and been educated without any religious notions or concepts? It’s unlikely. The predominant role of religion in Europe and the U.S. has produced entire generations of people (several billion) influenced by doctrines, beliefs, and ideas promoted by religions. Few people have grown up with two strictly atheist parents.
Why am I explaining this? I’m certain that beliefs imprinted in the brain and mind during childhood and adolescence become part of us and play a role when we face choices; they influence our decisions. As long as they are not consciously dismantled, deconstructed, dismembered—which can take time to understand and implement concretely in one’s life—these ideas, habits, hesitations, this shame of desire, of carnal pleasures, this refusal to recognise one’s pleasure as a vital need just as important as eating, drinking, or sleeping, these deeply rooted limiting beliefs act as shadows at the back of our minds, preventing us from living up to the freedom we think we possess. Our freedoms are measured in actions and choices, not in thoughts.
Although we convince ourselves that we are free to do what we want with our bodies. The vast majority of people who would have the opportunity to have sex for an hour or a night are unlikely to say yes out of shame of being judged by others or out of shame to admit to themselves that they are capable of having sex for an hour with a stranger and immediately returning to their activities, they want it and prevent themselves from doing it. And if the opportunity does not present itself, the chances that we will go out and provoke destiny are even lower.
Then comes masturbation. Religious men abhor it. Spilling your sperm down the sink—what heresy! That deserves the death penalty! Wasting millions of sperm cells that could have become good little Catholic choir boys, Orthodox Jews with side curls, or Imams honouring the Prophet by wearing the finest Moroccan babouches—what a disgrace!
Control is at the heart of sexuality and religion in general. Who is in charge? Is it me or the Holy Spirit? Religion applies the notion of mastery, control, domination, regulation, forced training, and shaping of the mind so that the Eros drive, the strongest of all (twin of Thanatos), serves "God." From the moment men and women reclaim their sexuality, becoming the sole masters of their pleasure, the game of sex, and even love, in the eyes of "men of God," they become uncontrollable, free to experiment in all directions, to discover for themselves the true nature of desire, pleasure, and joy, and consequently, on a broader level, to give personal meaning to their existence. And here lies the danger because the temple loses its function.
Digital Sexuality
It is just as bizarre to watch a film of someone eating their lunch when you are hungry as it is to masturbate in front of a phone when you need sex!
When you are at home and want to treat yourself to a pizza, you call the pizzeria and place an order, wait patiently for the delivery guy, and keep an eye on the window like a detective or a fugitive, ready to pounce on the door. The wait is unbearable, so you devise strategies to distract yourself.
On the other hand, what do you do when you want a moment of intimacy when your body calls you and tells you it’s time to do the laundry? In 2025, most people still believe that dating apps are there to help them. That’s false! They only serve the top 10 or 15% of men and women who meet all the criteria of physical beauty and social success. They shop as they please as often as they want. They are the big winners. What about the overwhelming majority left behind? They live in a space between hope and despair, or they take matters into their own hands and find other ways to meet "the soul mate" of a night or a lifetime.
The pizza has arrived! You open the door, you eat while watching TV, you tell yourself you’ve earned it, and an hour later, your body calls:
- Knock-Knock?
- Who’s there?
- It’s Mr. Aubergine!
In 2025, most people open their phones or laptops, take out the lotion and tissues, launch a short pornographic video, masturbate, and flush everything down the toilet, not forgetting to delete their browsing history. They derive pleasure by proxy, identifying with the actor and imagining themselves climaxing with the actress.
Is there something virtually unhealthy about this? #VirtualInsanity
Does this not concern you? Of course not, you are not that person! Well, know that "Porn sites get more visitors each month than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined." and 30% of the internet is pornography.
Not that masturbation involving imagination and fantasy is unhealthy—on the contrary, there is nothing healthier than creating your little scenario, taking the director’s seat, directing the blonde twins and acting as the plumber or the Hollywood seducer for a few moments. But taking pleasure without imagination, staring at a virtual screen, watching strangers perform our fantasies, engaging in practices and positions we desire but deny ourselves out of fear of judgment—could this be a corruption or an abandonment of reality? A digital deviation?
Technology is all-powerful. Are we gradually moving toward a predominantly digital sexuality? Is the future of sexuality contactless? Just like with our credit cards, our Bluetooth speakers, our WiFi-connected devices, and now virtual reality headsets.
Religious education and modern society have placed so many restrictions, prerequisites, expectations, questions, phases of seduction, steps to follow before being able to enjoy sex in a real way with a real human partner that we are gradually turning to the simplest solution: digital sexuality. Conversely, it is immediately available, free, requires no justification, no permission, no need to convince, to seduce to obtain a moment of pleasure.
However, this sexuality is not about exchange; it is sexuality turned inward. There is no other person, no other mind, no other body. Having sex with someone is, above all, travelling to another world, another planet.
Yet, digital sexuality keeps us in our bubble. Like social networks—everyone connected, everyone alone.
Prostitution
A movie + a restaurant + a gift = Sex. "No, that’s not prostitution, it’s just a 'mutual agreement' between two educated and cultured people."
Ha Ha Ha!
I remember a member of the Chabad Lubavitch Orthodox sect. We were in NYC, wearing swimsuits in a private pool that was used as a ritual bath, where only clean and pure men that we were could stand before God. After a few dives and laughs, he said to me:
"You know, I know girls who sleep for money. You pay, and you spend time with her. I can put you in touch if you want. Just tell me if you’re interested, and I’ll handle everything."
He had left his hat and black clothes in the locker room but still had his beard. At the time, I was an 18-year-old virgin. I couldn’t quite explain it yet, but I knew it was socially unacceptable, so I unfortunately declined. An hour-long encounter could have spared me countless headaches, obsessions, useless fantasies, apprehensions, and fears.
In the chapter "Sexualities" from my book A Thunderous Elephant, I discuss prostitution, explaining that it has always been a part of society, whether we like it or not, whether we accept it or not. Regardless of our so-called "decency" or morality, regardless of the justifications we give ourselves and the world we live in or think we live in, prostitution always takes different forms and faces depending on the country, location, culture, and the country's religious origins. But it is here, undeniably present.
Sometimes openly acknowledged like in #Amsterdam, sometimes hidden behind the facades of Asian massage parlours. The #happyending is never that far. Often, prostitution takes the form of social respectability, wearing a beautiful Venetian mask. A movie + a restaurant + a gift = Sex. No, that’s not prostitution, it’s just a "mutual agreement" between two educated and cultured people. Ha Ha Ha!
In the chapter "The Blessed Prostitute" from my first book Horizon, Sky, and Heaven, I describe the story of a couple in love, separated because the young man comes from a working-class family. The young woman, influenced by her mother, chooses another man with a higher social status. Thus, the Jewish princess chooses status and lifestyle over love. A socially acceptable, honourable choice, I dare say, commonplace today. I describe this as "acceptable prostitution," validated by the "men of God" and the "men of the state," both guardians of religious faith and secular morality.
We become adults when we understand that words, forms, shapes and colours define reality and reputation more than the facts themselves. Packaging is all that matters!
Prostitution is a massive catalyst for the relentless tidal wave of male and female desires, which, during social exchanges and the seduction phase, fail to find a concrete realisation, an outlet, an escape, so to speak—an orgasm. Not everyone seduces or knows how to seduce. Not everyone has the codes or the long-term strategy to secure a sexual encounter. Not all men have "castles" to show off #Pride&Prejudice, nor do all women have symmetrical faces and well-proportioned bodies. They are just ordinary men and women seeking to satisfy their needs and desires, yet unable to find a way out in the labyrinth of social and religious constraints.
The recurrence of human desire does not align with the length of romance. Biological time is different from romantic time. This is also why prostitution exists. Does that mean we must succumb to it every time desire arises? Of course not. But who succumbs to it? No one.
Everyone is pure, clean, and attends church on Sunday.
We cannot live like monks, nor like medieval princesses locked in chastity belts waiting for the return of their prince charming. There is another path—the path of awareness—where each individual, according to their identity, carves out a way of being that frees oneself from past and present barriers and embraces the preservation of human sexual relations and interactions—first and foremost, above all else and beyond everything.
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